There’s this kid we see regularly at the neighborhood playground. He is not shy. In fact, as soon as another child enters the playground, he’ll immediately bounce over and earnestly ask, “Do you want to be my friend?” “Hey! Do you want to be my friend!” Nine out of ten times the other kid is a little taken aback and doesn’t respond immediately, but usually with a little time to warm up, the Friendly One and the Newcomer are soon happily playing together.
It took my son a few months of school before he felt confident about who his friends were in kindergarten. He is not the type to bounce over to a random kid and introduce himself. He develops friendships more slowly, over time, and through shared activities. Now the end of the school year is approaching and he is understandably apprehensive about starting the whole process over again next year. “I’ll have a new teacher, and all the kids will be mixed up! My friends won’t be all in my class!” He lamented to me recently.
Making friends is hard! I get it. Unfortunately, it does not get easier with age. Most of us would probably say it gets harder.
On May 2, The U.S. Surgeon General released a report titled, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” The study found that about half of U.S. adults experience measurable levels of loneliness. And that this lack of connection can have significant health consequences, including a 29% increased risk of heart disease, 32% increased risk of stroke, and a 50% increase risk of developing dementia for older adults.
What is causing this? In this NPR article about the study, the Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy said that in the last few decades, people have lived through dramatic change. We’re more transient, change jobs more frequently, and use technology in ways that have transformed our relationships.
When social media replaces in-person connection, we’re left with shallower relationships. This is having a profound, negative impact on teens and adults alike.
Another societal change is our decrease in “third spaces”—public places outside of home or work (or school) where people can socialize, meet new people, and have fun together.
Think about how this works in the traditional friend-group sitcom scenario. The characters have multiple points of connection—usually at least a couple of them are roommates, some are coworkers, and they always seem to live in proximity to a local bar or coffee shop where they regularly meet up with each other. Often this “third space” is also where one of the characters happens to work. So they see each other all the time and they don’t need to coordinate schedules or go out of their way to make connection happen.
It’s easy to see that kind of group portrayed on a show and wonder how you missed out. It’s simple really—how many of us live above or next door to a coffee shop or bar, in walking distance of our friends? Most communities aren’t built like that. Most friends don’t all live in the same neighborhood. And most of us don’t have the luxury of free time like the single, child-free twenty-somethings do in these sitcoms.
What if there was a way to have more real-life friendships with people in your local community?
If proximity is the best way to develop and maintain friendships, then we need to focus our time and energy into the people local to us. Friendship is a choice and how we choose to invest our friendship energy needs to be strategic. There’s certainly great value in those deep, long-term friendships from childhood or young adulthood, where you don’t see each other often, but you’re able to pick up right where you left off. But an annual meet-up and regular phone calls or texts is not enough to ward off loneliness. At least it’s not for me.
Even though I’m an extrovert who has been able to maintain a handful of close friends into adulthood and feels comfortable striking up conversation with random people, I still experience loneliness. Especially in my thirties, parenting young children, and living through an isolating pandemic—making and keeping new friends has been a challenge.
Emerging from pandemic isolation happened to coincide with entering a new phase of parenting life—my firstborn off to school. Before he started kindergarten, we needed to make a choice about what school he would go to.
We agonized over our decision. I won’t get into all the factors, but ultimately we decided to stay with the neighborhood public school. In the list of pros and cons, costs and benefits, the factor that kept rising to the top was being rooted in community. If we wanted our children to have friends within walking or biking distance, we knew we needed to stay local.
What we did not anticipate, was that this decision would have a huge positive impact on our own social lives! Over the past several years, we’ve spent a lot of time at our neighborhood playground and struck up conversations with other parents while we watch our kids play. Now, many of those same parents have school-age kids at the neighborhood elementary school. So we see these parents at the park, neighborhood block parties, school pick-up time, school events, and birthday parties. And every Friday night during the warm months, a group of families from the same school meets up at the park. The kids play baseball or run around on the playground while the adults chat, sometimes bringing food or drinks to share. It’s casual and lovely.
One particular family has a kid my oldest son’s age and we’ve started doing a variety of things together, including watching Survivor once a week, going to swimming lessons at the same time, and having each other over for dinner. My husband and I have also done some fun things individually with each of the parents. This other family has initiated a lot of the connection and we’re so grateful to be part of their lives. They’ve even started going to the same church we do! Because of our proximity, multiple points of connection, and their generous hospitality and invitations to do things together, we’re developing real friendships.
The nexus of our growing social life is the local public school and our kids’ friends families. But cultivating local community does not have to be centered around family life. I am actively aware that I need to invest in friendships that aren’t connected to my kids too, since we won’t always be in this stage of life. (One reason I started a book club with some girlfriends!) One can build this kind of community in a number of different ways, ideally with people who live within a ten-mile radius who share some kind of regular activity and interests in common.
Based on my personal experience and various things I’ve read or watched recently, here are a few ways you can cultivate community where you live:
Identify a “third space” in your neighborhood where you can casually meet-up with people. For us, it’s the park and playground to meet other families. I know others who have made neighborhood friends at a dog park, board game store, or the gym. Even just going for regular walks around the block and chatting with people who are outside is a way to meet people.
Participate in a community activity where you have shared interests or values. For us currently, it’s the school system. We’re volunteering there and attending events there regularly. This could also be a neighborhood faith community, a community volunteer group, or a team sport or a hobby you do regularly in your local community.
Extend and receive hospitality into your/others’ homes. This is really the clincher for turning a neighborhood acquaintance into a friend. Someone has to take the leap and invite the other person to do something more personal, outside of the shared activity or “third space” where you run into each other casually. Maybe you start with inviting that person or family to do a different activity in a public space, like going to a movie or a sporting event. But don’t wait too long to have them over to your home for a meal or a game night. It feels really nice to be invited into someone else’s home. And the more you offer invitations or say yes to invitations, the more comfortable it becomes.
We can learn a lot from that kid at the park who is always asking other kids to be his friends. We can also learn something from my kid, who makes friends more slowly, through shared activities and proximity. Both are important—regular, casual connection and intentional invitations.
Does this ring true to you? How are you focusing your friendship energy these days? Are you finding community in your literal community or are you casting a wider net? I’m really curious to hear from you, if you’re willing to share!
Thanks for reading,
—NK
Going Deeper
Here are some of the articles and books I’ve read and videos I’ve watched which inspired this piece if you want to go deeper on this topic:
America has a loneliness epidemic. Here are 6 steps to address it (NPR)
"So much of the challenge that we have right now is far upstream of electoral politics and policy, it is a culture problem," he added. "That's why I think one of the things that's so important about the surgeon general's report is creating a culture of connection."
Thanks, as always, for sharing your thoughts, Naomi. Searching for genuine friendship is a lifelong endeavor. After I retired, I was struck by how many of my friendships were work related. I no longer have colleagues, clients, and co-workers to interact with on a daily basis. Whether we are 6 or 60, the search and need for new friends is ongoing and important.