Today I am thankful for friendship.
When 2020 was still a brand new baby in diapers, my own second baby was just turning one. I was just starting to wean him and we were only just starting to get full nights of sleep with only minor interruptions. My kids are two years apart, so it had been three+ years of being in the new-parent fog and being pretty tied to my house (or breast pump) in order to be the literal bed, food, and body for my children. Friendship was way on the back burner. Actually, pretty sure I stuck it in the fridge with the intent to reheat it in the future. (Gross metaphor? Sorry…)
So here’s the deal. 2020 was supposed to be my year of re-emerging and reconnecting with people outside of my house. I wanted to go out with friends or invite people over to our home. I had plans for dinner parties and drinks and game nights.
But we all know that didn’t happen. My world became a lot smaller. I wasn’t even socializing with people at the office or at church anymore, because I was home. All the time. I had a couple friends nearby who I would endure hordes of mosquitos or shivering cold to hang out with during a pandemic, but mostly it was just me, my husband, and our two young children. Every. Single. Day.
In between excruciating decisions about what risks to take that year, I was forced into startling clarity about the state of my relationships. I realized how frayed and thin my stable of close friends had become. Who could I turn to when I was filled with despair for the world? Who would I send funny memes and jokes to? Who would commiserate with me when family relationships were hard? Who would want to listen to my twisty turny thoughts about faith, politics, and marriage? These intimate subjects you don’t talk about on Twitter or with a colleague at the start of a Zoom meeting? I felt lonely for friends! I am happily married, but as someone wisely told me when I got engaged—You can’t be all things for each other. You need other people too.
And then, something miraculous happened. A longtime childhood friend, who I hadn’t connected with meaningfully in years, reached out to me in February 2021. She was also feeling lonely for friends and decided to start a virtual writing group with some other friends across the country. We started out with good intentions to write and share feedback with each other, but quickly discovered how much we had in common and that it was much more valuable to talk than write for each other. Turns out, we each had pretty similar perspectives and we also made each other laugh. I have yet to meet two of the four other women in person yet, but they’ve become dear friends to me. Another lives just 15 minutes away and we’ve managed to become real life friends, occasionally meeting for walks, wine, and birthdays. These women were among the first to learn that I was starting this Substack and are about half of my current subscribers. *waves*
Then a friend in another state and I started a virtual book club—a year later, she moved back to Minnesota and we’re starting an in-person book club this winter (Ironically, our first book is IRL: Finding Our Real Selves in a Digital World).
As the last couple years have unfolded, I’ve had opportunities to reconnect and invest in other individual friends too. We’ve celebrated birthdays, exchanged poetry, and met up for tacos during lunch breaks. And just yesterday, a high school friend texted to say she’ll be in town for the holidays and wants to get together!
I am rich in friendships all of a sudden, and I’m so so grateful. Somehow in the last two years I’ve become better friends with people I’ve known for years and made new friends too. That’s really hard to do in your thirties and I do not take it for granted. Friendship takes work and intention, but also a little magic, luck, and patience. It’s all worth it.
So, cheers to you my IRL friends and my online friends who are among my first subscribers. I’m so grateful for you!
Happy Thanksgiving.
—NK