Every December, I get a serious case of FOMO. I want to do all. the. things. Decorating the house, parties with friends, community events, baking cookies, church festivities, family gatherings, and sending out Christmas cards are all a must!
Simultaneously, I have high hopes for cozy nights by the Christmas tree, drinking hot cocoa and reading a book or watching Christmas movies. I long to slow down and savor. I want a cozy, quiet Christmas. But not too quiet—festive, and full of people too. I also don’t want to disappoint anyone or get in the way of other people’s hopes and dreams for the season. Is that too much to ask?
Oh and did I mention somehow maintaining a regular work schedule, school and daycare routines, household chores, and other hum drum daily responsibilities?
Peace and joy sometimes seem at odds. I have not always been good at finding the right balance of rest and fun during this time of year. Some years I’ve felt so frantic and exhausted that I’m more crabby than joyful by the end. Other years I’ve said yes to too many things other people wanted to do and missed out on what I wanted. Or I’ve said no to too many things and the holidays didn’t feel that special.
I’m getting better at it as I get older. And 2020 was a forced reset. Each year since has provided a gentle reentry into the world and a chance to develop my own “new normal.” Setting boundaries, being intentional about my yeses and nos, and developing better self-care routines have been significant in all aspects of my life, not just during the holiday season.
I’ve had some helpful guides along the way. In particular the Instagram posts and reels from Nedra Glover Tawwab, therapist and Mary Van Geffen, parenting coach. If you’re not following them yet, do it now! You will learn so much. Right now, I recommend this reel from Nedra Glover Tawwab about “pre-care” for the holidays.
And Mary Van Geffen has great content lately about setting boundaries with relatives and being intentional to avoid exhaustion during the holidays.
Trying to Avoid Holiday Burnout
I want this month to be life-giving, joyful, and full of peace. I don’t want to feel exhausted running from one thing to the next. So this year I’m trying a new approach in the hopes of making Christmas more meaningful in a way that feels right for me and my family. Your pace might look different and that’s totally fine! My hope is that these suggestions may serve as a jumping off point for your own planning. Lean into your own natural rhythms and pay attention to what drains you and what fills you up. Once you know that, it’ll be easier to decide how to fill your calendar.
Identify Your Values: Reflect on what really matters to you and your household. And how you want to feel throughout the season. What are the non-negotiables?
Check Your Energy Budget: Evaluate your capacity for “doing stuff” and “going places” and “being social.” What are the unique needs of your household? What does each person need in order to feel energized and avoid overstimulation and dysregulation?
My husband and I have different tolerances for social activity, and so do our kids. Over the years we’ve noticed that as a family, we are overall happier when we go slower and commit to fewer activities. I am the most social of the family and need more interaction with people outside our house to feel grounded and happy, but I also get overstimulated and tired when I don’t take time for rest.
Choose Your Joy: Decide ahead of time what activities or events would bring you extra joy this year that aren’t part of your regular traditions (or beyond your usual family celebrations).
For a long time I’ve wanted to see a production of A Christmas Carol at the Guthrie Theatre in Minneapolis. So this year we finally bought tickets! I also really want to host a small holiday party with friends, either before Christmas or for New Year’s Eve. So we got that on the calendar too. I also wanted to do at least one community, kid-friendly event that our kids would really enjoy.
Build in Buffer: Block off some days on your calendar or parts of days that you will not schedule anything else. It’s not necessarily a “cozy by the fire” relaxation day—maybe you’ll do chores or go grocery shopping or wrap presents. This isn’t a rest day necessarily, but a day between specific obligations so that you can choose day-of how you want to fill your day. It leaves room for spontaneity (or doing laundry!)
For us, this sometimes looks like scheduling only one activity per work week or one activity per weekend with other people. If we’re busy all weekend, we start the work and school week off feeling drained instead of rejuvenated. That’s never a good feeling.
Plan a Recovery Day: Even with our best intentions, it’s likely there will be a few days in a row of non-stop activity, whether that’s family gatherings or prep for the gatherings. Be sure to block off a day or at least an afternoon or evening to truly rest after the busy period has passed.
For me, this means saying no to some bonus-gatherings that tend to pop up Christmas weekend or the days before and after. It’s hard to say no, especially to people I like and love! But if I don’t take time for me and my family to slow down and rest, we’ll feel burnt out and it will make all the fun before feel less worth it.
Delegate Tasks: Unless you’re a child, the holidays can be a lot of work with a long list of to-dos. Don’t do it all. Ask your partner or your siblings or whoever you’re celebrating with to collaborate with you to get it all done. If you’re a woman, you’re probably used to carrying the mental and physical load for your family’s holiday festivities. You shouldn’t have to do it alone. If you’re not a woman, pay attention to the women in your life making the magic happen. Connect with them about sharing the load. This is also a good place to draw some boundaries and make things easier on yourself too.
For instance, my husband and I share the task of buying and wrapping gifts for our families (among other things). I’m also going to be making some careful decisions about how much food I sign up to bring to different events and what things I could buy instead of make from scratch. I’m not doing it all.
Communicate: Share your hopes, expectations, and boundaries with the other people in your life so you can get on the same page about how the holidays are going to look. You don’t need to make everyone happy, but you may need to compromise depending on the situation and relationship. Not everyone has the same values or energy budgets.
Recalibrate: As much as I wish everything would go exactly to plan, that definitely doesn’t happen. Ha. So, sometimes it’s necessary to go back to the top and remind myself of my values, my energy budget, and available buffer to help me decide whether or not I should say yes to something.
Holiday season is already in full swing, but with a bit of intention, I hope to preserve my peace and choose joy as much as possible. So that means I need to stop writing this thing and focus on the cheesy Christmas movie I’ve got on in the background…
Cheers,
—NK
Photo credits: Markus Spiske , Daniel Seßler, shche_ team via Unsplash